So, for this first Parenting 101 as this series will be called, I want to know how you all feel about spanking. I was spanked as a child by my dad but not by my mom. I think they disagreed on the act and once they divorced, I was never really spanked again. My only memory of being spanked was waaaaaaay back in the day when I was three years old. We were in Target (the old Target before they became cool and hip again, lol) and I was begging my mom to "up me" or pick me up. My dad was not happy with my behavior because apparently I kept begging and begging, going from whining to an all-out temper tantrum. Well, what is the big deal, you may ask. For starters, my mom was about 8 months pregnant with my little brother so "upping me" was not an option. In addition, I guess I was told to stop and I didn't. So my dad spanked me. Right there in Target. With a belt from the belt section! :-(
Of course then there were the times I spent with my paternal grandmother who believed in sending children to get their own switches to "tear up those legs"! She never hurt us, but liked to be able to remind us from time to time about not getting out of line.
On the one hand, I was more careful around those people who I knew would take to my behind if I started feeling myself too hard and I watched my behavior. I knew the limits and I was diligent about not crossing them. However, I might have responded just as well to really structured time out or other non-corporal punishments.
So, my question to you all is, what do you think about spanking? Are you a "spare the rod, spoil the child" kind of person or do you disagree with the practice? What were your experiences with it and do you think it helped you as a child? Is this an appropriate way to manage behavior in children? Weigh in!
***Oh, and as a friendly reminder, topics like this can get heated and we won't all agree so please stay respectful or both this forum and each other. :-)
I think spanking is an outdated form of parenting. I would not spank my kids (whenever I get some!).
ReplyDeleteSpanking is intended to show that for every action there are consequences. Kids have their favourite toys, their favourite places to go, their favourite TV programs to watch.........and all of these are priviledges not necessities. Taking one away for as little as day is quite effective for a young child.
I feel that we should try to teach that physically striking a person should only happen when you need to defend yourself. Spanking is outdated because in my opinion it sends the wrong message.
Was your Dad wrong to spank you? No, he was doing what he knew how to do best. I just think with new tools and techniques, we can learn more effective and more consistent ways of parenting.
I completely agree with the first comment. I also want to add that, spanking sends the wrong message in more ways than one. Spanking can teach a child that hitting is an effective way to get someone to do what you want, listen to you, or simply to express anger towards them. Spanking also reinforces that being bigger and able to hurt another makes you better. Many children are even spanked so often that they become accustomed to it and it means nothing as a form of punishment. Like JC said, a child's toys, favorite show, etc mean a lot to them and creative punishments for older kids like extra chores, taking away the allowance, taking their cell phone, etc are also very effective. hitting anyone outside of self defense or a career (like MMA or boxing) is, imo, barbaric, cruel, and the pinnacle of savagery and ignorance.
ReplyDeleteI'm old school. Spare the rod...You know the rest. I got tapped on the behind (with a hand--not paddles, belts, switches etc) every now and then when I was kid and I just turned out just fine thankyouverymuch. :-) I don't have any emotional scars or bad feeilngs about my parents or childhood. I had a wonderful childhood. I got good grades. Had wonderful relationships with other kids was well liked and did not hit other kids.Grownups gave spankings-not kids-- was my understanding at an early age. I'm happily married with a child. I have a good life and great relationships all around. I'm not against other people raising and discipling their kids the way they see fit. If that means no spanking, then no spanking. Do you. I only get peeved when other people judge my right to parent and discipline my child the way *I* see fit. Again, I'm pretty pleased with the way I turned out so I think my parents' template is a pretty good one to follow.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, you mentioned that you might have responded to other methods besides spanking. Maybe you would have, maybe not. But do you feel in any way deeply scarred or emotionally damaged by the spankings? Do you feel like the spankings adversely affected your relationship with those who spanked you? Were there long-term ill effects? Did you become a violent child as a result?
ReplyDeleteMy mother was born and raised in the Caribbean so spanking was a way of life. I was spanked as a child and as much as I disliked it I feel like spanking could still be an option to be kept in mind along with punishment.
ReplyDeleteI think its good to leave some fear in a child where they know if they get out of line, you as the parent will put them back into place. Im not saying beat them down and keep your child literally scared of you.
Spanking only works on some children so its something to be done under your discretion (it did not work on me, I was a terror lol). It is a much mightier blow to punish a child by taking away things they are privileged with.
I do not have any children yet but spanking will always be something that I will keep in mind because that is just how I was raised.
@anon 9:24: I don't feel emotionally scarred or distant from my dad because of spanking. And I totally respected my grandmother and loved her to death. It just always kept me in line because I was a child who pushed limits. I never thought I could go to school and hit other kids so it did not teach me to hit. Interesting to talk about though...
ReplyDeleteI used to be against spanking, but now I see the difference in children who were spanked/weren't spanked and now I'm all for spanking, lol.
ReplyDeleteIf used appropriately, I think spanking can be a very effective disciplinary tool on younger children-let's say under the age of 10.
I love your blog, and smile every time I see an unread post on my Google reader, then my smile disappears when I see another baby/parenting post. I'm very happy for you and your new journey but I think this is a mistake a lot of bloggers make, capture a niche audience then start expanding their topic areas and lose the people who came there for the niche topic. I think occasional posts from other parts of your life are great, but a parenting *series*? Have you considered starting a separate parenting blog? If you want to take advantage of your large readership, you could cross post for a while before shifting entirely.
ReplyDeletei was spanked.....and my parents didnt abuse that method of punishment....when ever the 6 of us were punished it was never in anger or rage....we always knew exactly what we were being punished for...........and before it got to spanking we were always warned...
ReplyDeletemy siblings also believe in this method.me neices and nephew "get it" and so does my two year old
I don't think spanking with objects (belts, switches, etc.) is necessary, but I definitely believe in it! I have a 2 1/2 year old and I used to be one of those 'oh, spanking is so barbaric' folks (when I had no children). 99% of the time a firm tap on the behind is enough, but time out also works for my child. I use time out for the times when she is just being a 2 year old...not listening, purposefully pushing boundaries, etc. However, when I tell her not to do something because it will harm her and she chooses to do it anyway, my instinct is to send the message LOUD AND CLEAR that it is not acceptable to jump around at the top of the stairs, put things in electrical outlets (she knows how to remove the safety covers), or play past the tree in our front yard (which would put her too close to the street).
ReplyDeleteIn all, as parents we have choices. Your instinct will tell you what's right for your child. My advice is for you to just be open to the fact that your discipline style might change as they go through different phases in life. There is no need to 'spank' a 12 year old!
I have seen discipline go way too far without the child being spanked. I saw a video of a woman who subjected her child to freezing cold showers as a form of punishment and I felt that was abuse and definitely more damaging than a light spanking.I'm pregnant and don't plan to spank my child for a few reasons. My fiance doesn't agree with spanking and although spankings deterred me from bad behavior they NEVER worked on my younger sister. She would receive a spanking and go do the same exact thing almost a few minutes later. So I'm going to try different methods. I don't judge those that choose spanking though, because I received spankings and I'm a pretty well adjusted adult lol.But one thing I think people should remember is just because our parents did something and we're ok, doesn't mean it's necessarily ok to carry it on for another generation. For example, my grandmother thought it was ok to throw hot water onto my mom and her siblings. My mom did spank us but she understood that throwing hot water on children is not normal or ok so she never did that to us. Moral of the story: Just because mom/dad did it doesn't make it right. We have to use our own judgement on how the punishment is affecting our children physically and emotionally.
ReplyDeleteThere is a fine, very very fine line between spanking and abuse. My parents are from the southern old school and firmly believed in "spanking"(Dad more than Mom.)and further more children are seen and not heard. My father didn't understand that line and took it too far. When you do this "spanking" will lose its effectiveness. Why? Because you are instilling fear as opposed to discipline and respect. You can control a child with fear, but when they don't fear you anymore(and they DO FIGHT BACK.) there will be NO respect and you can’t go back at that point. Ultimately damaging the child’s sprit and your relationship with your child. If you discipline and talk to the child the child will learn and RESPECT you in the long run. Yes, I was abused NOT spanked but I do believe that spanking can be a productive means to discipline a child but it’s all in the delivery. Love or Anger? Also take into consideration the future relationship, when your child grows up will they look at you with disgust for pain you cause them or LOVE and RESPECT you for disciplining them. I still love my Dad very much and I’ve forgiven him but when you’ve been abused until you left the house it’s hard to have a relationship with someone you don’t respect.
ReplyDeleteSome responses here are quite funny and some are quite sad - glad that anon 1.18pm - has forgiven and put the past behind her.
ReplyDeleteI did want to add that I was not spanked. My mother had the great fortune to meet an American speaker while on a work conference who emphasised that love is the way forward with family. He was emphatic that children should never be beaten and instead should be taught only love and respect for themselves and others.
Prior to him, my parents were for the rod but after they were not.
I never feared my parents, I respected them and they respected me. It is /was a great way to grow up. I was a pretty good kid because I would feel remorse for disappointing my parents. I did what I was expected of me because I understood why it was important - from doing well in school, never touching drugs and respecting myself and my body.
My parents did not rule by fear but rather by reason. Telling us in great detail why it was important and what the benefit would be to us.
I loved my childhood because I was surrounded by love. It is what I would want for my kids :)
I don't have kids and can't deliver a verdict but I can speak from experience...I was not the kid to get spankings. My mom only swatted me on the behind when I was doing something "dangerous" (like climbing on or swinging from things, trying to cross the street, etc.). Only when I did something that scared my mom lol. For everything else my mom only had to give me a look and my dad had to raise his voice and I'd start crying. My brother on the other hand "needed" the spankings. My parents tried everything and they were the only thing that seemed to work, in conjunction with a more long term punishment (like restriction). So far we're both doing ok and my brother doesn't seem to resent my dad solely for the spankings. I'll take my kids case by case...
ReplyDeleteI believe in spankings like the one of the comments said you can always tell the difference, and where I work the kids are always acting out and you can see the parent struggling trying to talk it out with a three year old. One kid even slapped his mom. Sorry but kids sometimes need spankings, are your bound to end up like the parents on supernanny.
ReplyDeleteI am the proud mother of a 5 year old daughter and nearly 4 year old son. My husband and I both spank our children. Time outs only work to a certain extent. BUT there are times when other forms of discipline dont work. I believe it is best to instill some type of fear in them now to help construct their behavior for the future. If they know they will be disciplined for poor behavior, they will refrain from that behavior 9 times out of 10. It worked for me. It worked for my 8 siblings. It worked for my husband and his siblings. Spare the rod, raise Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan lol
ReplyDeleteI am pro spanking but spanking is not* beating your kids leaving marks on them no belts hanger cords ect. it is an open palm on a hand bottom or legs.... and i don't use it as a magic cure-all the punishment fits the crime... i also use push ups, time out, toys taken away, grounding,i also explain what they did wrong and why its wrong,i have a lil brother that was never spanked and he is disrespectful ignorant and has raised his hand to my parents as an adult .Now my 11 7 4 year olds are well behaved. and its because they know if the go over board ill be right there with them
ReplyDeleteI take care of my sisters children during the summer and I'm allowed to spank them if they get out of line but I found an alternative to spanking which seems to work better. So my niece is quite defiant at 4yrs old..her brother is a bit of a cry baby (throws tantrums daily) and giving them a spanking twice made me realize..um..I'm not getting ANYWHERE. Now I didn't spank them to hurt them but more for the dramatics of it...hoping to shake them up, which I did, but I don't want them to grow up fearing me and think I'm a mean old aunt. Each time they were out of line I would make them write their names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. repeatedly until their fingers cramped up. I mean it's info they need to know anyway..right? This method worked so much that when my nephew entered kindergarten he was a bit more advanced than the other children ..which in turn gave him a boost of confidence.
ReplyDeleteHaving grown up in the Caribbean and looking (from a distance) at deviance and rudeness of children in other countries such as America and Europe, we (in our part)often tend to blame it on the lack of corporal punishment in those countries. Truthfully, I have a great appreciation of corporal punishment used in moderate amounts (less than 5 times a year) and will definitely use it with my children. However, it is crucial to understand that this is definitely not the 'run-too' answer for punishment and creative, more effective means must be utilised that will teach our children hard to teach priniciples such as discipline, consequences and respect. If my mother/teachers dared to risk not using corporal punishment on a child like I was, I would be on the streets right now. It's only through God's grace and a GOOD (NOT overused) dose of corporal punishment, that I turned out as such a success today. We look at the extreme abusive beating of children and run to the opposite. But despite the associated pain, look at its use in moderation and truly access whether some of the lessons learnt could be taught in the same way, with the same effectiveness, as if our parents had spared the rod.Spare the rod and spoil the child.Face the fact, in all my 23 years I haven't met 1 single punishment that commanded the same amount of attention and behaviour change while lucidly communicating its purpose all at once and achieving the intended objective. I've seen too many of my friends become defiant, disrespectful, indisciplined and unappreciative (I could go on and on) individuals (most of them rich) with no concept of respect or consequences just because their parents didn't want to lay a hand on their precious child. Don't let that be your kid. When my mother raised the stick it put me in line and THANK JESUS for it!! lol.... seriously though. I aint know one Caribbean young person who wasn't thankful for a good 'licking'when dem did get too out a hand when dem was young. :) Too many lessons you can never forget.... Btw there is also a minimum age for 'licking' a child that MUST be observed... and there is also an age when the 'licks' become (mild) cuffs and your mother puts you in your place and let's you know who is the man/woman in the house.Lmao!! lollol... her message was clear though. :) Hope my two cents was enough of a mouth full to help.
ReplyDeleteHaving grown up in the Caribbean and looking (from a distance) at deviance and rudeness of children in other countries such as America and Europe, we (in our part)often tend to blame it on the lack of corporal punishment in those countries. Truthfully, I have a great appreciation of corporal punishment used in moderate amounts (less than 5 times a year) and will definitely use it with my children. However, it is crucial to understand that this is definitely not the 'run-too' answer for punishment and creative, more effective means must be utilised that will teach our children hard to teach priniciples such as discipline, consequences and respect. If my mother/teachers dared to risk not using corporal punishment on a child like I was, I would be on the streets right now. It's only through God's grace and a GOOD (NOT overused) dose of corporal punishment, that I turned out as such a success today. We look at the extreme abusive beating of children and run to the opposite. But despite the associated pain, look at its use in moderation and truly access whether some of the lessons learnt could be taught in the same way, with the same effectiveness, as if our parents had spared the rod.Spare the rod and spoil the child.Face the fact, in all my 23 years I haven't met 1 single punishment that commanded the same amount of attention and behaviour change while lucidly communicating its purpose all at once and achieving the intended objective. I've seen too many of my friends become defiant, disrespectful, indisciplined and unappreciative (I could go on and on) individuals (most of them rich) with no concept of respect or consequences just because their parents didn't want to lay a hand on their precious child. Don't let that be your kid. When my mother raised the stick it put me in line and THANK JESUS for it!! lol.... seriously though. I aint know one Caribbean young person who wasn't thankful for a good 'licking'when dem did get too out a hand when dem was young. :) Too many lessons you can never forget.... Btw there is also a minimum age for 'licking' a child that MUST be observed... and there is also an age when the 'licks' become (mild) cuffs and your mother puts you in your place and let's you know who is the man/woman in the house.Lmao!! lollol... her message was clear though. :) Hope my two cents was enough of a mouth full to help.
ReplyDeletei don't believe in 'spanking.' i do believe if a child is doing something dangerous or dangerously out of line, a slap on the hand or bottom isn't the end of the world. however, someone said it sa fine line between spanking and abuse and i believe it. its up to the parent to not go over board but because its a fine gray line its really easy to abuse this act and respond in anger which cause you to hit a child harder than he or she needed etc. also i think people forget that there is an emotional component to this. children have feelings too and the development of a child's self-esteem is closely related to how you treat them. children feel pride, humiliation, shame, rage just like adults and i think adults forget that. you many not remember these emotions when you are an adult but they shape your behavior whether you realize it or not. being spanked in public like in target had some effect whether the author realizes it or not. whether those feelings instigated by the spanking leads to a screwed up person probablhy depends on how prevalent the spanking was or really how prevalent the feelings were instigated either from spanking or any other form of punishment. it is important to discipline a child in a way where they get the message but also where they still believe they are loved, worthy, good persons etc, and maybe it can be done w spanking but its hard to do I think that's why doctors recommend other forms of punishment. i think moreso than the spanking, its the persisstence in discipline and the no-nonsense approach to discipline that lets a child know you mean business. i am a very no-nonsense kind of person and I am very very obstinate when I want to be so my child will have a hard time getting by me when he is misbehaving.
ReplyDeleteI think spanking should be used as a last resort. This post is ironic - after my walk yesterday my friend asked where spanking came from, and I solely believed it comes from massa whipping the bad Negro across the back with a whip. That is our mentality unfortunately. Leaving scars, bruises, welts, etc in my opinion is taking it to far, and I had all of the aforementioned things. We resort to spanking as a first resort when we need to work on our communication skils and making sure our kids KNOW and understand what is expected of them. We take the scripture of, "Spare the rod, spoil the child," literally. That rod is meant to stear the child in the right direction; doesn't not necessarily mean to WHIP into shape physically. You can steer in the right direction by punishing, i.e. taking things away from them, lecturing them, taking away privelages. There are other ways, but we learn by example and if whipping was your only example I am sure that is all you know. Some people cross the line with whipping and it turns into abuse thus sending the wrong message to the child. A spank if it comes down to it in the right way is not going to kill a child, but using that as the only means to teach should not be.
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