Hey ya'll! This past weekend was awesome! I think I got some great shots of the 100th birthday party so I will post about that a little later.
But something else that has been on my mind for quite a while lately and that is hair envy. You know what I mean. I have been reading different forums and blogs about natural hair and from time to time I run across a comment that makes my skin crawl. One in particular was from a young lady speaking in reference to the hair of another woman whose texture was significantly looser than her own. I don't really do the hair typing thing but let's just say the fotki owner was probably a 3-something texture and the comment came from a 4b-ish textured reader. I guess that's about the difference between being curly and kinky. Both women had lovely hair. But "4b" said, "Oh your hair is so lovely, I wish I had that texture". Ok, so maybe that's not the end of the world as we know it. But it was surprising to read in plain English right there on the girl's comments section. Maybe if she had said, "Oh your hair is lovey, great texture!" or "Oh your hair is lovely, beautiful definition!" or something like that it would not have bothered me so much. But that fact that one woman wished her natural hair was like the hair of another woman made me wonder how comfortable she really is with herself. I think many of us choose to go natural because we are tired of fighting ourselves and we want to re-discover our natural beauty. In a society that does not tend to accept or hail us as being beautiful, it is up to us to reclaim that for ourselves. I don't know if she really meant to say what she said but I wonder how much she longs for straighter hair or lighter skin or whatever else that is not her idea of beautiful.
This was not the first time I have come across this type of comment. Some people talk about how they want their hair to mimic Tracee Ellis Ross's hair (when it is CLEARLY a different texture than their own) or they want to know which products will loosen the curl. I guess at the end of the day each woman has to make peace with what she's got and she must choose the styles/products that work for her. And I don't have the tightest curl pattern so I cannot judge those who have been socially conditioned to think negatively about their extremely kinky hair. We all have been made to think that way to an extent but I understand that this issue might be more sensitive for some than others. We all have color/texture issues to overcome and we are all at different points on this journey to natural hair and self acceptance. There are so many beautiful textures out there, why should we continue to classify and rate and compare?
Look at all these awesome textures!!!
They are all different but they are all beautiful! Remember, it's one thing to ADMIRE but it's another to ENVY or secretly desire something you can never have because you have been made to believe it is better. Doesn't that sound familiar???
What do you all think? How easy was it for you to accept your texture? Did you struggle or secretly wish to have a different texture? If so, how did you get over those feelings? What would you say to someone with your texture going through the same thing? On the other side, have you ever been made to feel guilty or not part of the natural hair community because your hair is loosely curly or wavy?
I ask not to judge but to see how other people view this subject. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!
Girl, I wrote a whole Facebook rant on this last night. It's become an issue for me because I keep hearing, "The only way I'd go natural is if I had your hair texture." It's maddening! And it makes me sad too. To me, it all comes down to loving your own locks. Love your hair, and it will love you back.
ReplyDeletewhat is your hair type?
ReplyDelete-
i say unless you want to chemically alter your hair texture you have to live with it and embrace it to its fullest!
I asked my mother how my hair was before she relaxed (age 11) because I could not remember what it was like. The description she gave me was extremely accurate from shrinkage, to thickness, on down to little curl that sits in the middle of my forehead; so it was easy for me because I had no delusions. Personally, I was amazed that my hair was curly- I just expected it to be a big fluff ball because that's what I remembered. On the reverse, it was a little weird to see how people reacted to my hair- family and friends included- there were a lot of people who were surprised at my texture and felt like I didn't have traditionally "Black Hair" and I just chalk it up to people change their view of "Black Hair" when it doesn't match up to their stereotypical view of our hair. As for hair envy- it's inevitable but that's why you should educate yourself and decide whether you can accept your hair no matter if it's curly, wavy, or highly textured. But for some that's easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteThat "good hair" mentality probably will never go away. I was talking to stranger last week and she told me she had cancer. She then told me how her hair fell out and so she didn't perm after chemo. She said, "my hair had some goodness to it" but I decided to wear weave in it though.
ReplyDelete"Goodness in it?" What! I don't say anything because I was too busy biting my tongue. How is it that you went through chemo and lose your hair and still have the mentality that that you have "good hair?" Baby, after chemo...ANY hair should have been called GOOD hair.
Uggh. But I realize that it is not my place to school everybody on hair. I just nod my head and laugh on the inside!
this debate still goes on within my family and for the most part I choose to ignore it. Several years ago when I first went natural I was the only one in my camp with unprocessed hair...for some reason my decision to wear my hair this way confused my aunts, uncles cousins and even my parents. They couldn't understand how I could love my hair for what it was, and wear it proudly each and every day! In their eyes I had not 'good hair' yet not 'bad hair' either...I was just a fool for thinking I could get a job with my hair this way, or for the most part be happy. It really does start within each individual, because if I didn't have the right sense/courage to ignore all the ignorance that surrounds me from day to day, I'd falter, fall and would truly miss out on what a great thing it is to be natural;-)
ReplyDeleteGreat post :o) I've noticed the same thing on hair sites/forums/blogs. I think it's just a learning/change of mindset process. Like you stated and from the pictures you shared there are sooo many types of textures and they are all beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSome people may never be satisfied with the texture that they have - but the grass is always greener... A friend of mine with a finer/straighter texture wishes her hair could hold two-strand twists or even cornrows without using gel and I know people with tighter coils who wish that they could just add some water and gel and wear a loser bouncy wash-n-go ;o)
Sadly this is a very common thing. It would be great if people just loved the hair they had. I've had people compliment my hair for length but never for texture. Most times it is always, 'if only you texturised' or 'if only you relaxed'. Funny, it never got long until I stopped relaxing and just let it be :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I decided to go natural and was transitioning I told my black side of the family about it. I was really disappointed in their reaction. Most of them said things like "Well you'll look good natural because you have that nice texture of hair." This actually pissed me off quite a bit because I did not go natural based on my texture but because I didn't want to be a slave to relaxers anymore. I wanted to be 100% me. I had to keep explaining that, but the concept of good and bad hair seems so ingrained in the black community that it's almost impossible to argue sometimes.
ReplyDelete@xoxOlivia- I think I am a 4a or 4b, prob a 4b but I don't know for sure.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys for all your comments! This issue is complex and it probably will continue for generations to come. I find myself trying to compliment women with all types of textures as a way of saying they are all equal and all beautiful in their own way. I think it's important for people with hair in the 4's to understand that people with 2's and 3's catch flack from people about their hair too, which is so interesting. Sometimes that's why I hate the whole hair typing thing. It seems like another way to separate us and categorize us by putting our hair on a scale of sorts. Anyways....thanks again for sharing!
AMEN to this post... i try my BEST to squash this nonsense on my blog!!! now, i'm all about us supporting each other in the journey, but what KILLS me (on fotki, in blog world, on hair forums) is when people 'follow' or 'friend' someone whose texture is COMPLETELY different than their own... but then DON'T WANT TO 'FOLLOW' OR 'FRIEND' PEOPLE WITH THE SAME TEXTURE?!?!?
ReplyDeletewhat.
the.
fuck??!?!
lusting after curly hair isn't going to make your hair curly.
and while you SHUN your sisters with the same texture as you, your hair, meanwhile, is getting more and more jacked up and hard to deal with.
SMH.
p.s. you're a great writer. you should consider submitting something to BGLH ;)
Thanks BGLH, I would love to, your site is amazing! Yeah, I guess I got tired of reading people's comments where they were practically drooling over a texture God KNOWS they cannot obtain. I want women to just love themselves!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I talked with my fave aunt recently and she went on and on for like ten minutes about how one of her sons is married to a woman who isn't black, so their daughter has amazing, "Long, curly, good hair," while she described her other granddaughter as having "okay hair, but she doesn't have the nice texture." At my wedding, I had my grandmother congratulate me on catching a husband with "good curly hair." I could see the curly haired grandchildren lust in her eyes. It makes me sick. But older people grew up in a world where this was HUGE. I saw a magazine from the 1930s for light skinned black people called "Tan." Skin tone and hair determined your quality of life back then. I have to remind myself of that when speaking to someone who is 60+
ReplyDeleteMakeup Theory, that was funny "I could see the curly haired grandchildren lust in her eyes." Makes me laugh! Just because I live with an 89 year old woman who I KNOW feels the exact same way!
ReplyDeleteSometimes with relatives it puts you in a strange position because usually these are people you love but some of the things that come out of their mouths makes you wanna holler!
Hi Leslie! I'm so glad to see this post after the conversation you and I had about this topic a few weeks ago. As you know, I hear the "well you can get away with that because you have 'good hair'" comment often. As I told you before, those kind of comments leave me with a feeling of complete dispair and exasperation because I don't know how to respond. It's as if my affirmation of being natural has been completely invalidated. As I've progressed in my mental transition, I adopted the mindset that by not relaxing my hair, I am rejecting an archaic, oppressive standard of beauty. My thought was that by flaunting my curly/frizzy hair, I would be a positive inspiration to others and perhaps plant the seed of going natural in the minds of other relaxed black women. But I'm starting to realize that with comments like "I would go natural if I had hair like yours," my hopes are merely defunct, unrealistic arguements. My new thought is that by flaunting my curly hair I'm not really inspiring anyone or rejecting anything. Sadly, and ironically, the "good hair"/"bad hair" grading scale lingers even in the natural hair world (just under a different naming convention). And my curly hair texture falls under the umbrella of the standard of beauty black women are conditioned, from childhood, to think is "better" and more desirable. This, in turn, perpetuates the common issues of low self-esteem, self hate, and an unwillingness to accept oneself that most black women suffer from.
ReplyDeleteCase in point: The other night, after work, I went to get some Japanese take-out. I was standing in line and talking on my cell phone. I noticed there were two black women standing in front of me. One of them was wearing a rather disheveled, cropped, honey-blond wig that looked like it was having some troule staying on staying on her scalp. Anyway, I was carrying on my conversation and looking up at the menu. But I couldn't help but feel a pair of eyes glaring at me. I glanced down briefly and noticed that the woman with the jacked up wig was staring at me and smiling. At first, I didn't really think much of it...I flashed her a quick smile in return, looked back up at the menu, and continued my phone conversation. But out of the corner of my eye, I could see this woman aggressivly tapping her friend on the shoulder. Then she says with excitement, "oooh girl, look at her...she got that good hair." Then the friend turned around and both women were now staring at me while I was on the phone. What's worse is that these women continued to stare at me and whisper comments about how "good" my hair was even after they ordered their food and were waiting for it to be prepared. The constant stares and whispers not only made me feel like the pink elephant on display at the zoo, but it made me very angry and sad. Just confirms how we are still very much brainwashed.
I really don't think there's any need to feel sorry for the Fotki commenter because she wishes her hair looked more like another girl's. All of us, at one time or another, have wished that we had slim hips like our friend Janine, or flawless skin like our friend Nicole. We might have secretly envied Michelle's husband, or wish we had Denise's career, or that our stomach was as flat as Linda's. I used to desperately want larger breasts, and it wasn't because I had self-esteem or self-acceptance issues, or because I hated my body -- on the contrary, I was very proud of my figure, but I admired and envied the profile of a larger bustline, and I wished I had one. That's perfectly normal. I mean, if we're being honest, I also wish that I had a law degree and a Mercedes...that doesn't mean that I'm not comfortable being a SAHM who drives a Nissan.
ReplyDeleteI think you guys are making a much bigger deal out of this than it needs to be, and it makes me kinda sad that black women always have to find a way to "one-up" one another. So I guess now, the litmus test is: are you 100% perfectly happy with every single aspect of your life, your looks, your body, your relationship, your career, your possessions--everything! Cause if you're not...if there's even a teensy bit of envy or longing in any cell in your body, you will be called out in the blogosphere as being a pathetic, self-hating black woman, and everyone will agree how sad and pitiful you are. I mean, really. Come on.
Dang, serenity!
ReplyDeleteI understand the comments and the discussion for the post, but I am not sure you do.
We are talking about hair, and naturals pitting themselves against each other, simply because we think their natural texture is better than our own.
No one is declaring it self-hate EACH time these feelings are brought up.
The point is that they are there.
To me, it is disheartening.Its sad to think that even if another Black woman never bought another relaxer or weave, we'd STILL find a way to use hair to divide each other.
Leslie, sadly I understand the lady's comment in your post. I'm definitely a 4b. Here's the thing, when I went natural in college, I chopped off my hair probably down to an inch when I was 19. I thought I had no preconceived notions of what I was in store for, but I was wrong. I think I was expecting ringlets or an easier time or a long length. What I wasn't prepared for was the major shrinkage and the tight coils and I really didn't have anyone to help me then because all my parents remembered from back in the day was using Stay Soft 'Fro (and that definitely wasn't it!) and my other college friends either had a looser curl pattern or decided to loc their 4b hair.
ReplyDeleteSo, I went on a journey of self discovery. It took me a while because hair was always an "issue" for me, but I'm glad to have learned that healthy hair is good hair; it doesn't matter the texture. You have to find what works for yours and love it! And I do. :-)
I had reluctantly had a perm for 9 years, then 4 months ago I shaved it all off.
ReplyDeleteToday, when I walk the streets of Florida women of my color look at me like I'm a demon spawn from Hell.
My hair coils, my hair curls, it frizzes, it knots, it kinks.
What is the problem with all these people?
I love all curly/kinky/coily hair, and admitted I have some favorites, but to me, its more about how you rock your hair that what it curls like. I'd take a bangin' super cute head of fuzz over boring *quote* "good 'mixed' curly hair" any day.